I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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