every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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