I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
