my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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