I am spending my child support on dildos
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
