Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
