It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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