Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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