went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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