you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
