apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
