alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
