We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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