I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
