My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He did a backflip because drugs
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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