Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
