She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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