I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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