K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
