look no pants
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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