my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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