Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
