She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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