plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
