i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
