I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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