My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Come on in and take your pants off
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