Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
