His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
