i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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