At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
