sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
