The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
