Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
