I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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