I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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