I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
