They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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