She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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