I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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