Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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