just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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