how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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