Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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