Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
