she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
