you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
