lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
