me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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