I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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