I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
