That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize