Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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