Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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