I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
