You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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