After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
