he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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