Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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