dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
