Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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