just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
