The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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