Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
that may or may not have been my penis.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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