Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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