They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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