i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
