Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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